Autumn Leaves
This morning, as I was folding and sorting my athletic gear, my cross country team came to mind. Though I miss them greatly, I found myself becoming frustrated and angry over the thought of an unresolved issue...that August meeting.
I won't go into details but in that instance, I felt rejected. The fact that I put my all into building the program and ensuring their athletic, academic, and personal success and well-being was inconsequential. They wanted more but were not willing to give me their all. I felt inadequate, exhausted, frustrated, angry, hurt, heartbroken, and unfit. They could careless.
About a half-hour later, I reexamined those feelings. Why did I feel inadequate, exhausted, frustrated, angry, hurt, heartbroken, and unfit? Why did I give my all? Why didn't they notice I had given my all? Why weren't they willing to give their all? Why did they expect more from me? Why did I feel obligated in that moment to take on that burden, all the while knowing I had given my all and therefore could not give anything more?
My thoughts shifted to my own experiences as an athlete. For some reason, I started thinking back to my earliest race. I was three years old at the time. Some boy walked up to me and told me he could beat me in a race. Mind you, there was nothing that prompted this conversation that I was aware of at the time or even now. I asked him, "what makes you think that?" He replied: "Because I'm a guy." Even at three, I found this response nonsensical and unfounded. I whooped him so terribly with all the rage of a thousand suns. Made me feel good and empowered knowing I had shattered his sexist views. This thought was followed by another: I knew I was capable. I needed him to know that I was capable. But why did I need to know that I was capable?
I then relayed this thought to my coaching experience: Again, I knew that I was trained by the best coaches, performance specialist, and health professionals to do that job. Everyday I researched, observed, studied, refined, fine-turned, revised, tested new training techniques, restrategized, measured courses, drew detailed maps...sometimes I didn't go to sleep until 1am because I was working on training ideas, reports, etc. I was determined to ensure the success of my team...my coaching. Liz and King would hover appearing as if they were watching (they would look but if you ask them today what they saw, they cannot articulate what they saw). I needed them to know that I was capable. But why did I need them to know that I was capable? In the end, they could careless.
When I looked at my computer, my thoughts jumped to the workplace. I work in all these subordinate positions, irritates me greatly. Still, I put my all into what I am doing. Most people wouldn't, as I understand. They would simply do the minimum and call it a day. You get paid just the same, right? But, I put my all. I want them to know that I can do that position and more. I put my all into these resumes too. Sometimes a single cover letter will take days to compose. My resume is intricately designed and formatted. I worked so incredibly hard on it, its insane. I want to stand out, be visible, noticed, understood without a shadow of a doubt that I am capable. I emphasize how I have an MBA, taught college, getting my PhD, built teams, started two companies, have all these awesome skills...But why? HR doesn't even look at it. They could careless.
My thoughts were many....too many to write in one blog. But as you have probably noticed by now, a pattern has developed. My thoughts concluded with this quote by Albert Einstein:
Had I really been doing the same thing over and over again? Is this the reason I keep running into the same type of wall? The Wall of Carelessers. Am I a perfectionist? A people-pleaser? I used to get awarded Most Electrifying in track & field for exciting crowds. Did I get a high off their reactions to my performance? When there are no crowds or VIPs around, does what I do matter? Does what I do need to matter to someone else or just me? Will overcoming these Carelessers finally advance me to my goals? Or have they stagnated my growth? Or rather, have I stagnated myself by giving them value when they can careless? I know I am an overachiever but what does this really mean?
Can I enjoy life without being validated by others?
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